Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. This article is inspired by a letter from a parent worried that his wife is so intent on getting a perfect Santa photo that she might end up terrifying their almost-2-year-old. If you’ve ever watched your toddler cling to you in panic while a stranger in a red suit looms closer for the perfect holiday shot, you already know: this isn’t just about a picture. It’s about your child’s sense of safety—and your marriage dynamics.

In the original letter, a dad describes his wife Bridget’s almost single-minded mission: this year, come hell or high water, their son Caiden will sit on Santa’s lap for a photo. He, meanwhile, is worried that forcing the issue could traumatize their toddler. Underneath that conflict is something many families wrestle with: how do we create “magical” memories without ignoring our kids’ feelings—or hurting our relationship in the process?

A child in holiday clothing looking uncertain while sitting near Santa Claus
Many toddlers find Santa overwhelming—bright lights, loud crowds, and a very unfamiliar bearded stranger.

Below, we’ll unpack what’s actually at stake emotionally and developmentally, what the science says about fear and “trauma” at this age, and how you and your partner can find a solution that respects your child and your traditions.


When a Cute Santa Photo Becomes a Real Family Conflict

On the surface, this is about one photo. Underneath, it’s about:

  • What “good” parenting looks like to each of you
  • How much weight you give to traditions and social media–worthy memories
  • Your comfort with your toddler’s big feelings (crying, clinging, screaming)
  • Whose voice “wins” when you disagree about your child’s needs
“Parents rarely fight about Santa. They fight about what Santa represents: control, childhood magic, social pressure, and whose vision of family life gets honored.”
— Family therapist, composite of common clinical guidance

If you’re the “please let’s skip it” parent, you might feel protective, anxious, or even guilty at the thought of letting your child cry in a stranger’s lap for a tradition they are too young to understand.

If you’re the “we must get this photo” parent, you may feel that:

  1. Everyone does this; the child will be fine.
  2. This is part of the magic of childhood.
  3. You’re grieving missed milestones (maybe pregnancy loss, fertility struggles, or hard early years) and want a “normal,” happy memory.

What Toddlers Actually Experience in a Santa Photo Scenario

At around 2 years old, children are in a developmental stage where “stranger anxiety” and fear of unfamiliar faces and costumes are very common. From their perspective, Santa is:

  • A very large stranger
  • With a covered face (big beard, hat, sometimes glasses)
  • In a noisy, bright environment (malls, events)
  • Who reaches toward them while their caregiver steps away

That’s a perfect recipe for the brain’s alarm system to fire. Research in developmental psychology shows that toddlers rely heavily on “secure base” behavior: they want a trusted adult close when they encounter something new or intense. Being placed away from you, onto a stranger’s lap, can feel like a sudden loss of safety.

Toddler hugging a parent tightly during the holidays
Your body is your toddler’s “safe base.” Being forced away from you toward a stranger can feel scary, not magical.

Does this automatically cause trauma? For most kids, no. A single scary moment, followed by comfort and repair, typically becomes a blip in their story, not a defining wound. But repeated experiences of:

  • Having their fear dismissed (“You’re fine, stop it, smile!”)
  • Being physically forced while they resist
  • Not being soothed afterward

can slowly teach them that:

  • Their “no” doesn’t matter.
  • Big feelings are not safe to show.
  • Adults may not protect them when they’re overwhelmed.

What Child Psychology and Research Say About “Forcing It”

While there aren’t randomized trials on “Santa photo outcomes,” there is solid research on:

  • Attachment security
  • Emotion coaching vs. dismissal
  • Stress and fear in early childhood

Studies on attachment (for example, by Mary Ainsworth and subsequent researchers) show that children feel safest when caregivers:

  • Notice distress
  • Respond sensitively (not perfectly, just “good enough” most of the time)
  • Don’t repeatedly override fear with pressure
“Secure attachment isn’t about keeping kids from every scary thing; it’s about being a reliable, responsive ally when the scary thing shows up.”
— Paraphrased from attachment research, e.g., Bowlby & Ainsworth

Emotion-coaching research (notably John Gottman’s work) suggests that parents who:

  • Label and validate feelings (“You’re scared of Santa; it’s a lot.”)
  • Help kids move through emotions instead of shutting them down

tend to raise children with better emotional regulation and resilience later in life.

None of this says “Santa photos are bad.” It does suggest that sacrificing your child’s felt safety for a ritual—or a social-media-ready moment—isn’t aligned with what we know helps kids thrive.


A Step-by-Step Plan: Protect Your Toddler and Honor Your Partner

You don’t have to choose between “no Santa ever” and “screaming on Santa’s lap.” Here’s a practical, middle-path plan.

1. Start With an Honest, Calm Conversation (Without Your Toddler Present)

Approach your partner when you’re both relatively calm—not in the car on the way to the mall. Try language that focuses on feelings and values, not accusations.

  • Share your concern: “When I picture Caiden crying and reaching for us while we hand him to Santa, I feel really anxious and protective.”
  • Ask about meaning: “Can you tell me what this Santa photo means to you? I want to really understand.”
  • Affirm her desire: “I love that you care so much about making holidays special; I don’t want to take that away.”

Understanding that for Bridget this might represent “normalcy,” joy after hardship, or a cherished childhood tradition can soften the conflict. It’s not just about a picture for her, either.

2. Agree on a Shared Priority: Caiden’s Emotional Safety Comes First

See if you can arrive at a core principle like:

“We both want holiday memories that are fun for him, not just cute for us.”

Once you name this, choices get clearer: the plan must be flexible enough to stop or change course if he’s very distressed.

3. Use Gradual Exposure, Not Sudden Pressure

Borrow a page from anxiety treatment: introduce scary things slowly and with lots of control. For a Santa encounter, that might look like:

  1. At home: Read picture books with Santa, show short, calm videos, and talk simply:
    “This is Santa. He’s a grown-up who wears red clothes and gives presents in stories.”
  2. From a distance: Visit a place where Santa is visible but don’t get in line. Observe from far away and narrate:
    “Look, that’s Santa. That kid is sitting on his lap. You can stay in my arms.”
  3. Child-led approach: If your toddler wants to get closer, go together—and keep them in your arms the whole time.
Parents with a toddler at a Christmas market looking at decorations together
Watching Santa from a safe distance or staying in a parent’s arms can be a gentle first step.

4. Create Toddler-Friendly Alternatives to the Classic “Santa Lap” Photo

There are many ways to get a festive picture without forcing direct contact:

  • Family group shot: All three of you in the frame, with your toddler in your arms, Santa in the background.
  • “Near Santa” photo: Your child on a small bench next to Santa, not on his lap, with you sitting beside them.
  • Santa-adjacent fun: Photo in front of the decorated tree or sleigh without Santa, then maybe a quick wave to Santa from afar.
  • Home Santa moment: A family member in a gentle Santa hat reading “The Night Before Christmas,” with your child on your lap.

5. Set a Clear “Out” Plan Before You Go

To protect your child—and your relationship—agree ahead of time on:

  • A signal to stop: “If Caiden is screaming and reaching for us, we’re done, no argument.”
  • Roles: One parent handles logistics with staff/photographer; the other focuses 100% on the child’s cues.
  • Time limit: “We’ll try for 5–10 minutes. If it doesn’t work, we’ll pivot to tree photos and hot cocoa.”

This helps the “photo-focused” parent feel they got a real try, while the “protective” parent feels reassured that there’s a firm boundary around distress.


Common Obstacles (and How to Handle Them Without a Meltdown)

Obstacle 1: “Everyone Else’s Kids Do It, and They’re Fine”

Social comparison is powerful. Instagram is full of crying-baby-with-Santa photos, posted with a laugh. It’s easy to think, “We’re being too sensitive.”

A more helpful frame: every child is different, and “they survived” is a low bar for decision-making. Your job isn’t just to avoid severe harm; it’s to build trust and attunement.

Obstacle 2: Pressure From Extended Family

Grandparents may say things like “He’ll thank you later” or “You’re spoiling him.” It can help to respond with a short, calm script:

“We’ve decided not to force anything that scares him this year. We’re focusing on making the holidays feel safe and fun. We’ll send you whichever photos he’s comfortable with.”

You don’t owe anyone more explanation than that.

Obstacle 3: One Parent Dismissing the Other’s Worry

Being told “You’re overreacting, it’s just a picture” can feel deeply invalidating. Try naming the pattern without attacking:

  • “When you say I’m overreacting, I feel dismissed and less willing to compromise.”
  • “Can we assume we both care about him equally, and then problem-solve from there?”
Parents having a calm discussion at home while their toddler plays nearby
Working as a team—rather than opponents—helps you protect your child and your relationship during high-pressure holidays.

A Composite Case Study: When the Plan Changes Everything

In my work with families, I’ve seen this play out many times. Here’s a composite of several real situations:

A mom, fiercely attached to holiday photos after years of fertility treatments, was determined that her 22‑month‑old daughter would sit with Santa this year. Her partner was deeply uneasy, remembering his own terror of costumed characters.

We created a plan much like the one above: lots of Santa books, a trial run to “visit Santa from far away,” and a non-negotiable rule that they would stop the moment their daughter seemed truly panicked.

On the day, their daughter clung to her dad when they approached. They took a family photo with Santa in the background, then stepped away. The mom admitted she felt a stab of grief seeing other kids do lap photos—but later, when she looked at the picture of all three of them smiling, with their daughter snug in her arms, she said:

“I realized what I actually wanted wasn’t proof that she could be brave with a stranger. I wanted proof that we were a happy family. This photo shows that more than any screaming-on-Santa’s-lap picture would have.”

The next year, their daughter marched right up to Santa and sat next to him on the bench. No pressure, no tears—just readiness on her own timeline.


If Things Go Sideways Anyway: How to Repair

Even with the best intentions, you might end up with a moment you regret—your toddler crying in Santa’s arms, you freezing under social pressure, your partner snapping, “Just take the picture!”

If that happens, the most important thing is not the one photo—it’s what you do next.

  1. Rescue and soothe: Take your child back into your arms as quickly as you can. Hold them, move to a quieter spot, and offer simple words: “That was too much. You’re safe now.”
  2. Decompress as a couple later: Once your child is asleep, talk through what felt off. Instead of blame, use curiosity: “When he started crying, I froze. What was going on for you?”
  3. Adjust the story: When you talk about it later (to your child or family), frame it as learning, not failure: “We tried something that was too big for this year. Next time we’ll go at your speed.”
Parent comforting a young child wrapped in a blanket by a Christmas tree
What your child will remember most is not Santa’s lap, but whether you felt like a safe, responsive place to land.

Making the Holidays Magical—Without Sacrificing Trust

You and your partner both want something good: joyful holidays, meaningful traditions, and a sense that you’re “doing it right” as parents. You may disagree about how to get there, but you likely share the deeper goal: a child who feels safe, loved, and seen.

A Santa photo can be a sweet keepsake, but it is never worth teaching your toddler that their fear doesn’t matter. When you slow down, honor their cues, and get creative with alternatives, you’re not “ruining the magic”—you’re building the kind of secure foundation that makes future magic possible.

If you’re standing where this Slate letter writer is—worried your partner’s determination might override your toddler’s needs—your next step isn’t a fight in front of the camera. It’s a quiet, honest conversation at home about what really matters to both of you, and a joint plan that puts your child’s wellbeing at the center.

Memories fade. The feeling of being protected—and of parenting as a team—lasts much longer than any holiday snapshot.