Parents often ask “What’s wrong?” when a child is upset, but child psychologists studying hundreds of parent–child relationships have found a simple five‑word phrase that better teaches kids emotional intelligence by helping them name and process their feelings instead of shutting down or feeling interrogated.

The simple phrase that changes how kids handle big feelings

If you’ve ever watched your child melt down and felt completely stuck, you’re not alone. Many loving parents reach for the same instinctive question: “What’s wrong?” It sounds caring, but in the heat of the moment it often backfires—kids go silent, snap back, or cry harder.

Child psychologist Reem Raouda, who has studied more than 200 parent–child relationships, noticed something powerful: parents who consistently raise emotionally intelligent kids tend to use one specific phrase when a child is upset. It’s not magic in the fantasy sense, but it reliably opens the door to emotional connection and learning.

Calm baby lying down and looking up, representing emotional connection between parent and child
Emotion coaching starts long before kids can fully talk—tone, presence, and words all matter.

This article walks you through that phrase, why it works, and how to use it with toddlers, school‑age kids, and teens in a way that builds lasting emotional intelligence.


Why “What’s wrong?” often shuts kids down

On the surface, “What’s wrong?” sounds perfectly reasonable. But in emotionally charged moments, children’s brains work differently from adults’. When they feel overwhelmed:

  • Their “thinking brain” (prefrontal cortex) goes partially offline.
  • Their “alarm system” (amygdala) is highly activated.
  • They often can’t clearly explain what’s happening—even if they want to.

In Raouda’s observations, repeated “What’s wrong?” questions sometimes felt to kids like:

  • An interrogation: “Why are you like this again?”
  • A demand for a tidy explanation they don’t have.
  • Subtle pressure to stop feeling instead of help to understand the feeling.
“When a child is dysregulated, asking ‘What’s wrong?’ can feel like a test they’re doomed to fail. What they need first is help naming their inner world, not defending it.”

Emotionally intelligent parenting starts from a different place: guiding children to notice and name what’s happening inside them. That’s where the five‑word phrase comes in.


The No. 1 "magic phrase" psychologists use

Here’s the phrase Raouda and many other child psychologists recommend:

“Can you tell me more?”

These five words do something “What’s wrong?” rarely does: they invite, rather than demand. They communicate:

  • Curiosity, not judgment – You’re interested, not annoyed.
  • Openness – There’s no single “right” answer; anything they say is welcome.
  • Emotional safety – You’re here to listen, not fix or criticize immediately.

In Raouda’s research and clinical work, parents who used versions of this phrase regularly were more likely to have children who:

  1. Talked openly about their feelings.
  2. Recovered from upsets more quickly.
  3. Showed better self‑control over time.

The phrase has a “magic‑like” quality only because it meets a basic human need—being heard and understood—at the exact moment kids typically feel most alone.

Parent and child sitting on the floor talking calmly together
“Can you tell me more?” invites conversation instead of shutting it down.

Why “Can you tell me more?” builds emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence in kids isn’t just being “nice” or “calm.” It’s their growing ability to:

  • Notice what they’re feeling.
  • Put words to that feeling.
  • Understand why it’s happening.
  • Choose healthy ways to respond.

“Can you tell me more?” supports each of these steps.

1. It slows the moment down

The phrase is gentle and unhurried. That helps a child’s nervous system begin to move from “fight‑or‑flight” back toward calm, making it easier for them to think and talk.

2. It shifts focus from behavior to experience

Instead of “Why did you do that?” (behavior‑focused), you’re asking about their inner experience: thoughts, feelings, and fears. Over time, kids learn their feelings matter, and that behavior is something they can work on without shame.

3. It models healthy emotional curiosity

Children learn emotional habits by watching us. When you calmly ask for “more,” you’re teaching them to be curious about their own emotions instead of frightened or ashamed of them.

“The parents who raised the most emotionally resilient kids weren’t perfect. They were simply willing to stay curious and invite their child’s story, especially when it was messy.”

How to use the phrase at different ages

The core phrase stays the same, but how you deliver it will look different with a toddler versus a teen. Below are practical scripts you can adapt.

Toddlers (1–3 years)

Very young children may not answer in full sentences, but the phrase still matters because of your tone and posture.

  • Get down to their eye level.
  • Use a soft, slow voice.
  • Pair the phrase with simple feeling words.

Example:

“You’re crying and holding your truck so tight. Can you tell me more? Are you feeling mad that it broke?”

Preschool & early elementary (4–8 years)

At this age, kids are learning vocabulary for their inner world. Your job is to scaffold—give just enough help without taking over.

Example:

“I noticed you slammed your backpack down. Can you tell me more about what happened at school?”
If they shrug, you might gently add: “Sometimes that means someone hurt your feelings, or the day felt really long. What fits best for you?”

Preteens & teens (9–18 years)

Older kids pick up quickly on tone and respect. The same phrase, delivered with a calm, non‑intrusive attitude, can keep communication open.

Example:

“I can see you’re really upset and I care about what’s going on. Whenever you’re ready, can you tell me more about it?”
If they say “nothing,” you can reply: “Okay. I’ll give you some space. Just know I’m here to listen whenever you feel ready to tell me more.”

Teen sitting with a parent on a couch having a serious but calm conversation
With teens, the same phrase works best when paired with genuine respect and room for privacy.

A real‑life example: From shutdown to sharing

In one of Raouda’s parent workshops, a father—let’s call him Mark—described his 7‑year‑old son, Leo, as “a brick wall” whenever something went wrong at school. Their evenings followed the same pattern:

  1. Leo would stomp through the door, throw his shoes, and snap at everyone.
  2. Mark, worried and frustrated, would ask: “What’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?”
  3. Leo would yell “Nothing!” and slam his bedroom door.

Together, they decided to try one change for two weeks: replacing “What’s wrong?” with “Can you tell me more?” and adjusting Mark’s tone and body language.

A few nights later, the familiar stomping started. This time, Mark knelt by the doorway and said calmly:

“Hey buddy, I can tell today was rough. I really want to understand. Can you tell me more about what happened?”

Leo didn’t open up right away. He muttered “No,” but within a few minutes, as Mark quietly helped set the table, Leo blurted out, “The kids wouldn’t let me play soccer again.”

That small opening led to a bigger conversation about feeling left out, how to ask to join in, and how to cope when friends say no. The behavior (stomping) didn’t vanish overnight, but over the next month:

  • Outbursts became shorter and less intense.
  • Leo began saying, “Can I tell you something that happened?” on his own.
  • Mark felt less helpless and more connected.

The only change at first was a sentence—and the mindset behind it.


Common obstacles (and how to handle them)

Even with the best phrase, real life is messy. Here are predictable challenges and realistic ways to respond.

1. “I don’t know.”

Many kids genuinely don’t know what they’re feeling yet. Instead of pushing, gently offer possibilities.

Try:

“It’s okay not to know. Can you tell me more about what was happening right before you started to feel this way?”
Or: “Sometimes kids feel sad, mad, or left out in moments like this. Do any of those fit a little?”

2. Total shutdown or silence

If a child is very overwhelmed, talking might be impossible at first.

  • Focus on calming the body first (deep breaths, a hug if welcomed, a drink of water).
  • Lower your voice, slow your pace, and give them some space.
  • Return to “Can you tell me more?” when they’re quieter inside.

3. Parent burnout or impatience

You’re human. On a long day, it’s much harder to be calm and curious.

Simple repair:

“If I sounded annoyed earlier, I’m sorry. Your feelings do matter to me. If you’d still like to, can you tell me more about what happened?”


Before and after: How the language shift sounds

Small language shifts can create a completely different emotional climate. Here’s a quick comparison.

Frustrated child with crossed arms while a parent looks worried
Language that feels like interrogation can increase resistance and shut kids down.

Typical approach (before)

  • “What’s wrong with you?”
  • “Why are you acting like this?”
  • “Stop crying. There’s nothing to be upset about.”

These phrases may come from concern, but they can sound dismissive or blaming, even when you don’t intend them to.

Emotion‑coaching approach (after)

  • “I see you’re really upset. Can you tell me more?”
  • “Something feels really big right now. Can you tell me more about it?”
  • “Your tears are telling me this matters to you. Can you tell me more when you’re ready?”
Smiling child hugging parent after a calm conversation
When kids feel heard and supported, difficult moments become opportunities to build emotional skills.

Step‑by‑step: Turning hard moments into emotional lessons

You don’t need a psychology degree to teach your child emotional intelligence. Here’s a simple framework, grounded in research on emotion coaching and secure attachment.

  1. Pause and notice.
    Take one slow breath. Notice your own feelings first—frustrated, worried, overwhelmed. Name them silently to yourself: “I’m stressed right now.”
  2. Connect before you correct.
    Get to their level, use their name, and offer something grounding (a gentle hand on the shoulder if welcomed, or simply your calm presence).
  3. Use the phrase.
    Say, “I can see you’re upset. Can you tell me more?” Then stop talking. Give them space to respond.
  4. Reflect what you hear.
    Paraphrase in simple language: “So, you felt left out when they didn’t pick you.” This helps them feel understood and builds their emotional vocabulary.
  5. Validate the feeling, not all behavior.
    “It makes sense you felt hurt. It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to hit. Let’s find another way to show how upset you are.”
  6. Problem‑solve together (when calm).
    Only after emotions settle should you ask, “What could we try next time?” or “How can I support you with this?”

What science says about emotional intelligence in kids

Multiple streams of research suggest that fostering emotional intelligence in childhood is linked with:

  • Better social skills and friendships.
  • Lower rates of certain behavior problems.
  • Improved school engagement and problem‑solving.
  • Greater resilience during stress and transitions.

Key ideas supported by the research include:

  • Emotion coaching: Parents who notice, label, and validate feelings—while also setting clear limits—tend to have children with stronger emotional and social skills.
  • Attachment security: When kids experience caregivers as safe, responsive, and interested in their inner world, they’re more likely to explore, take healthy risks, and manage stress.

For accessible overviews of this research, you can explore:

  • The Gottman Institute’s work on emotion coaching in families.
  • Publications on social and emotional learning (SEL) from organizations such as the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL).

Putting it all together: One phrase, many small wins

No single sentence can prevent every meltdown or guarantee a perfectly calm household. Parenting is far too complex—and far too human—for that. But small, consistent shifts in how we respond to big feelings really do add up over time.

“Can you tell me more?” is powerful because it’s:

  • Short enough to remember when you’re stressed.
  • Gentle enough to feel safe to your child.
  • Open enough to invite their full story.

If you try one thing from this guide, let it be this:

  1. Notice the next time you’re about to say, “What’s wrong?”
  2. Pause, take a breath, and instead say, “Can you tell me more?”
  3. Listen longer than feels comfortable, and reflect back what you hear.

Over days and weeks, you may start to notice small but meaningful changes: your child shares a bit more, calms a bit faster, or begins to use their own words for their feelings. Those are the quiet signs that emotional intelligence is taking root.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise emotionally intelligent kids. You just have to be a curious one—and these five words are a powerful place to start.